Daily Learnings: Wed, Sep 17, 2025
From Good Inside: How to view tantrums
Chapter 13 of Good Inside deals with education on the emotions behind “tantrums” in children, as well as strategies to help connect with your child while they’re experiencing a tantrum.
What are tantrums?
Tantrums—those moments when children seem to “lose it”—are a sign of one thing and one thing only: that a child cannot manage the emotional demands of a situation. In the moment of a tantrum, a child is experiencing a feeling, urge, or a sensation that overwhelms his capacity to regulate that feeling, urge, or sensation. That’s an important thing to remember: tantrums are biological states of dysregulation, not willful acts of disobedience.
So often my immediate view of an emotional breakdown / tantrum is that my child isn’t being obedient, and I need them to comply!
Tantrums are a good sign, not something to shut down
Not only are tantrums normal and NOT disobedience, according to Dr. Becky, they’re actually desired. They are a sign that our child knows what they want, and there is an obstacle to getting that thing. And knowing what they want, and pursuing it is something that we want all of our children to foster, especially as they become teens and adults. I know that I want my children to feel comfortable telling someone “No! I don’t want that” in a complicated, potentially inappropriate situation, or developing resilience and grit in their career and family life in the face of adversity.
We want our kids to want for themselves. As parents, we want our kids to be able to recognize and assert their desires, to be able to hold on to the idea “I know what I want, even when people around me tell me no.” But we cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they’re young and expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older. … If we want our kids to be able to recognize their wants and needs as adults, then we need to start seeing tantrums as an essential part of their development.
What do we do in a tantrum, then?
We remain calm and present with our child, ensuring that they and others are physically safe, so they can pull from our current state of regulation to assist with their current state of dysregulation.