Daily Learnings: Fri, Sep 12, 2025
Let the future tell the truth and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine. — Nikola Tesla
More Learnings from Good Inside
Today I finished chapter 11 of Good Inside, reviewing the last three recommended tools or techniques for forging connection with our children that Dr. Becky provides:
- Playfulness
- “Did I ever tell you about the time…?”
- Change the Ending (a.k.a., Repair)
Playfulness - A timely Example
Literally this morning, as I helped my kids get ready for school, I had an opportunity to see what a difference playfulness can make in helping with potentially tricky behaviors.
As an aside, I hesitated to write that sentence because I almost wrote something like, ”… what a difference playfulness can make in avoiding bad behavior”. But, as I’m reading more and more of this book, I’m realizing that I need to reframe the idea of “bad behavior”, and focus less on the things that my kids do to annoy me. Instead, I’m getting a bit better (still a long way to go) at trying to recognize instead that my kids are really good, and sometimes they’re just going through a hard time; and the more that I focus on “they do this thing that I really hate” the more I focus on the wrong thing.
But, this morning, the example was that my kids came downstairs for breakfast not having finished their morning routine. My wife and I have tried to establish a normal routine that the kids should do every morning (or at least on weekday mornings):
- Say a prayer
- Get dressed
- Make your bed
- Brush your teeth
- Do a kind thing
Following that routine is hit or miss, with most days usually garnering some resistance. My normal reaction to them not doing it is something like, “Hey, can you please just go up and finish your routine?” To which usually they respond with anger, frustration, and crying.
But this morning, I don’t really know why (I hadn’t read this section yet), I had the thought to get a little more playful with it. When they came down I joked, “Oh my goodness. Do you hear that? … Wait, wait, wait, do you hear that? Listen… ”
Then, whispering, “Only kids that do their routines get puff pancake…”
“Holy cow! Did y’all hear that!? Wait, can you hear it again?”
At this point, the kids were laughing, and I repeated it in a spooky voice.
My son usually has the strongest reaction to finishing his routine, but he laughed and laughed, and said, “Ok, Dad, I’ll go up and finish.”
To be fair, and to avoid a CPS call, I’m not withholding food from my children. But I was shocked to hear that come from my son. Then, to read this today, it was really impactful.
I feel like this suggestion from Dr. Becky about a time to consider playfulness really encapsulates my experience this morning:
Use playfulness as a first response to missed manners, not listening, or whining. Examples: “Oh no, the thank-yous are missing again! Okay, okay, where can they be… Oh wait! I found them! Under the couch! Let me get them back into you. Okay! Got it. Whew!”
A Childs Struggle vs. A Parents Capability
When talking about how sharing a time where you struggled with a similar problem that your child is, this perspective really impacted me:
The gap between a child’s world of struggle and a parent’s world of capability is intimidating for kids, and it can be (unintentionally) shame inducing. Any of us would have trouble learning and trying new things if we were surrounded only by experts all the time. Imagine trying to learn to cook with a famous chef watching over your shoulder or learning to play tennis with Roger Federer by your side. It’s much easier to learn to cook with someone who knows more than you but still burns garlic sometimes, or to learn to play tennis with an instructor who was a college player but still sometimes double-faults. These people know a lot but not too much.
Sharing stories where you struggled as well, and not trying to over-apply it to your kids can help bridge that divide.
The Importance of repair
Lastly, a quick quote that I really liked about “repair”, which is much more than apologizing:
I often think that healthy relationships are defined not by a lack of rupture but by how well we repair.