Daily Learnings: Thu, Sep 11, 2025
A subtle thought that is in error may yet give rise to fruitful inquiry that can establish truths of great value. — Isaac Asimov
More learnings from Good Inside
I continued my study of Good Inside by reading more about protocols or potential techniques for helping build connection with our children in an effort to help them learning how to better regulate difficult emotions. As with all of the other tools given in this book, I find that these techniques are applicable to myself as an adult as well, and can be used for other relationships like marriage or with other family members.
What does real emotional control look like?
As we know, humans cope with difficult moments not by changing or avoiding their feelings but by learning to regulate their feelings. If your child struggles to end screen time, they won’t one day be happy to give up the screen or have sudden “perspective” that allows for an easy iPad handoff; instead, they will (hopefully) be able to acknowledge, validate, and allow their emotions, which will lead to a smoother transition from iPad to no iPad.
If your child struggles with being a gracious loser in board games or sports, they won’t suddenly have a less competitive spirit or an “it’s just a game” attitude that allows for good sportsmanship; instead, they will acknowledge, validate, and permit their emotions, which will lead to a deep breath and a more gracious ending.
… the goal is regulating our emotions rather than fixing, changing, or erasing them
This is a really powerful reframing for me on what progress on emotional control really looks like. I guess my assumption prior to this is that you can “fix” your feelings, you can change your feelings, and that should be the goal.
Thinking back on my life, I honestly believe that one can change their initial feelings or reactions over time, but that takes a lot of effort, repetition, and divine assistance. However, a much more healthy (and I guess realistic) framework for this is the path of better regulation of emotions, including acknowledging, permitting, and moving on past initial snap-reactions.
This also really helps me to have more grace for my children, recognizing that the goal isn’t to “fix” their emotions, their reactions to certain situations. Instead, the goal is to provide better tools for regulation of those emotions. And man alive, I can benefit from thinking this way, and approaching my own emotional outbursts this way too.
Emotional Vaccination
- Consider preparing your children for a challenging time, like stopping screen time, prior to starting the event
- Identify the stimulus that will likely trigger big emotions, and connect with your child on how it’s hard for you too
- Practice a deep breath, and permitting your feelings, then move on
- Don’t expect that this will magically solve any future outbursts
The “Feelings Bench”
The next time your child tells you about a difficult feeling, remind yourself: “Sit with him. Sit down on this bench without making any attempt to pull him off. This is how I am building connection with him and resilience inside of him.” Show your child you are right there with him, rather than asking him to feel another way.
- Feelings are the scariest when we feel alone, isolated with them
- They become so much more manageable when we have someone validate us and sit with us in them
- Imagine a child going through a hard time as if they’re sitting on a “feelings bench” alone, and could use a friend to sit with them
- While sitting with them on their “feelings bench”:
- Say very little as they talk.
- Nod, look sympathetic
- Offer to breathe deeply together
Words or Phrases to Consider Using
- “That sounds really hard”
- “I believe you”
- “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.”