Daily Learnings: Wed, Sep 10, 2025
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were. — Richard Bach
More Learnings from Good Inside
I spent more time today reading Good Inside, focusing on connection with your children, and how that’s the precursor to behavior.
The primary point made (so far) in chapter 11 is that a child’s disregulated behavior is almost always a symptom of an underlying disconnection with their parent. In fact, a quote from the chapter introduction that I really like is:
When parents struggle with their kids, it almost always boils down to one of two problems:
- Children don’t feel as connected to their parents as they want to, or
- Children have some struggle or unmet need they feel alone with
Further:
Behavior is never the problem; it’s only the symptom.
And:
We can’t change behavior until we build connection, so our first interventions need to focus on that.
This chapter includes some specific methods or games that a parent can play with their child to help reestablish some connection, though a good point was made about when these tools are most effective:
Trying to connect in the heat of the moment is not especially effective, because our bodies don’t learn well when they’re in fight or flight mode. During calmer moments, we can slow down, connect with our kids, see their goodness, and develope stronger relationships.
The two methods that I read about today include:
- Play No Phone (PNP) Time
- The Fill-up Game
Play No Phone Time
- According to Dr. Becky, this is the MOST bang-for-your-buck method
- Schedule time (10-15mins) with your child and put ALL devices in another room so you’re not tempted
- Allow your child to direct the play, and you take time to notice, but not direct
- The point of this time is to really be in their world
- Avoid asking questions and instead join in your child’s ideas
- Consider the following actions while you’re in PNP:
- Mimic
- Describe
- Reflective Listening
The Fill-up Game
This was one that I found to be especially interesting. I think this would work well with my kids and our current relationship.
- This is a fun way to give your child intense, fun, playful attention
- How?
- Ask your child, “Looks like you’re low on Mommy/Daddy, do you need a Fill-up?”
- Give them big squeezes, hugs, laughs, etc…
A potential script:
- Tell your child, “I don’t think you are filled up with mommy/daddy right now. I think mommy/daddy is only up to your ankles! Let’s fill you up!”
- Give your child a long, tight squeeze
- “How about now? Whaaat? Only to your knees?”
- Squeeze your child again; maybe grimace, as if you’re using all your might.
- Etc…
- Consider ending with, “OK, well, let me give you some extra, just in case.”
Some times to consider using this:
- when your kids wake up in the morning, as a way to start the day
- Before any separation. The Phillip game makes concrete. The idea that your child can internalize a parent before saying goodbye.
- before you start your workday. The Phillip game allows your child to hold onto you.
- before a moment that you know will be tricky.
- in response to a difficult behavior
- This is the one that will be challenging for me, but I think will yield the most fruit.