Daily Learnings: Tue, Sep 09, 2025
Experts on romance say for a happy marriage there has to be more than a passionate love. For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine liking for each other. Which, in my book, is a good definition for friendship. — Marilyn Monroe
Notes on Good Inside, Chapter 10: Self Care
I’ve been reading (very slowly) the book Good Inside, by Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, and sort of the millennial parenting guru.
I had the realization, though, that I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking, without any writing. And, as the adage goes, “If you’re thinking without writing, you only think you’re thinking.” So, I’ve made a goal to speed up my reading of the book, and to write about what I’m reading a bit more.
In that spirit, here’s some notes and quotes from chapter 10, titled “Self Care”.
Overview
The primary message I got from this chapter is that it’s ok to prioritize self care in order to ensure you’re not losing yourself entirely to the service of others. This is a bit of a tricky needle to thread, in my opinion, though, as this “self care” mentality can be taken to the extreme. Like with anything, there needs to be moderation in all things. We can’t prioritize at all times “self care”, while also we can’t prioritize at all times other people’s needs above our own. That’s a sure fire way to either burning bridges or burning out.
All that said, this chapter focuses on justifications and reasons to prioritize self care, especially for parents who tend to place their children’s needs over their own over and over again. I also feel like this chapter has good applications to marriage and other romantic relationships, especially if one partner tends to sacrifice too much.
Learning Something New is Difficult
The following is something that Dr. Becky positions as something to consider telling yourself as you try doing some self care when you’re not used to it. However, I feel like this has broader applications to the learning process overall:
“Whenever I try something new, my body will feel uncomfortable; this discomfort is a sign that I’m wiring a new circuit, one that wasn’t practiced in my earliest years. My discomfort is evidence of change… not evidence that I’m doing something wrong”
Our Relationship With Ourself is Important
The quality of our relationships with others is only as good as the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves.
*Again, I feel like this deserves just a bit of a caveat, though maybe I’m too biased in this thought. I 100% agree that this is true, and healthy boundaries are important. I also think that there are a lot of people that fly the “self-care” and “prioritizing myself” flag that are skewed too that way.
One Method for Self Care: Breathing
Dr. Becky reiterated the science behind deep breathing as a means of physiological regulation:
… the simple act of deep belly breathing will turn on the part of the brain that sends the message, “You are safe… all will be okay… you’ll weather this storm.” Once our bodies start to regulate, we can make good decisions and interact with ourselves and others in ways that feel good.
I know I can do a much better job at this when I’m losing my patience the our children, in the heat of the moment.
Acknowledge, Validate, Permit (AVP)
The basic gist of this section, which I really appreciated, is the following practical approach to emotional disregulation:
- Label your feelings
- Acknowledge them openly and honestly
- Validate that your feelings are real, and tell yourself a story about why your feelings make sense
- Permit, by giving yourself permission to have your feeling in whatever way it’s showing up. E.g., “I’m allowed to feel exactly as I do.” Or, “It’s ok to feel like parenting is totally unenjoyable right now.”
This, to me, was the most impactful portion of this chapter. I feel like it’s summarized well in these quotes:
The more energy we use to push emotions like anxiety, anger, or sadness away, the more powerfully those emotions spring back up. … The next time you find yourself drowning in an emotion you’d rather avoid, remind yourself to acknowledge, validate, permit. … Reminding ourselves that our sensations and experiences “make sense” helps us feel more at home in our own bodies… … We can permit our anger and still remind ourselves to use a calm voice; we can permit our frustration and still remind ourselves to haze kindly at our kids.
It’s Ok to have Things that Inconvenience Others
Say the following out loud: “I am allowed to have things for myself even if they inconvenience others.”
This is a powerful mindset shift for those that skew towards a lot of sacrifice for others. Repeating what I’ve said over and over, though, this (in my opinion) needs to be taken in moderation.
I am not my latest Behavior
Wrapping up the chapter, Dr. Becky encourages parents (and those in relationships) to cut ourselves some slack:
I am not my latest behavior